I'm Grateful for My Strengths

One day while on my mission, I was pondering on my weaknesses. I felt overwhelmed with the long list of things I just wasn't doing well. For those who have served missions, you know how stressful it can be to constantly feel you are falling short of all you should be doing for the Lord. Even for those who haven't served missions, all of us can relate to the feeling of drowning in our own weaknesses. We can be overwhelmed as a student, a mother, a wife, or an employee.

I fully believe and know through personal experience that weaknesses can be overcome, with help from the Lord, and through our own efforts to improve. But on this particular day, I had an epiphany which was not related to my weaknesses whatsoever. Suddenly, in the midst of my self-inflicted misery, I had this thought: "You need to be grateful for your strengths."

As a person who constantly struggles to dispel the myth of perfectionism, I had never thought to be grateful to God for my strengths. As I started thinking, a long list of personal strengths and gifts came to my mind. I was shocked and humbled to realize I had never prayed and thanked God for my singing voice, my leadership qualities, my beautiful green eyes, or my strong, healthy, beautiful and functioning body. I had never thanked Him for my faith, my testimony, my ability to love, my artistic talents, or any of the hundreds of talents and skills I had.

Fill in your name on the top line. :)

How was it possible that I had always been so focused on overcoming my weaknesses, I had never stopped to be grateful for everything He had blessed me with? So, I made a list of my strengths, and then I said a gratitude prayer, and thanked Him for my strengths, beauty, and talents. I felt so much gratitude and joy at all I had been blessed with, and could consequently use to bless the lives of those around me.

I have another challenge for you on your journey to greater self-love. Write a list, like I did, of your strengths, gifts, and talents. If you have some trouble, ask someone who loves you to help you notice what's beautiful about you! Trust me, there's plenty. If you feel the desire to, say a gratitude prayer, and thank God for all the great and wonderful things about you, and then put the list somewhere you can see it.

One of my favorite quotes, that my mom had posted on our fridge when I was younger.

I was glad to remember this experience this week, when I was feeling, once again, overwhelmed by my weaknesses, and remembering my strengths helped me remember how much God loves me. Don't underestimate the power and beauty you possess, and the impact you can have for good. Embrace your strengths and love yourself, because the greatest being in the universe created you and loves you infinitely, just how you are. 

Taking Up Space

Most of my life, I felt like I was taking up too much space. When sitting on a bus, standing in line, walking down a crowded hall at school, I just felt too big. Tall, strong, and curvy were NOT things I appreciated about myself.

"I'm intimidating. I'm too big to be feminine," were daily, toxic thoughts that I had. These thoughts affected my attitude, my posture . . . everything. They kept me from standing out and being who I was capable of being. I felt like something was wrong with me, and that I didn't deserve to occupy the space that I did.

Then, one day, I came across this blog, which changed my whole outlook on life, and spoke to the feminist in me. Why should I have to shrink myself? Why could men take up as much space as they wanted, and I was supposed to vanish into nothingness? Just what was wrong with a tall, strong woman taking up space? That next week, I made an effort to not be afraid of taking up space. It changed how I walked, how I sat, and how I looked at myself in the mirror. Instead of comparing myself unfavorably to people who were shorter or thinner than me, I stopped comparing at all, and just enjoyed my body and the way it filled the spaces I encountered. I started to see beauty in my size and shape, instead of feeling ashamed of what made me unique.

How often do we fear taking up space in other ways, not just physically? Do we not voice our opinions because we don't want to seem bossy, or like a "know it all?" What about in church, or in our jobs, or in our communities? What are we holding back from ourselves and others for fear of standing out, or taking up space?

No matter what size we are, no matter what height, we all deserve to take up space in this world. We all have a purpose, and we all have so much to give and to offer. Don't be afraid to take up space! Fill the world with the amazing things about you, and realize just how beautiful you are, and how much you can contribute. I still have to remind myself often that it is okay that I take up space in the world. In fact, it is something to strive for and be proud of. What do you do to take up space?

Stopping the Spiral of Negative Thinking

This scene from Mean Girls has probably been experienced by most of us who attended high school. Why do we sit around and shame ourselves with our friends? Sometimes body-bashing becomes a way of connecting or commiserating with other women. How often does this same chorus of negativity and shame happen in our heads when we look in the mirror? Another harmful aspect of this, is that sometimes girls point things out in themselves that you then notice in yourself, such as, "she thinks her thighs are too big? My thighs are way bigger than hers. Yikes."

Let me attest to the fact that it is SO MUCH EASIER to give in and think negative things about ourselves. I spent years living in this reality. It was almost like an addiction. Not only that, but it makes us into a victim. We often think things about ourselves that we would never think about someone else, especially a friend or sister. So why are we so mean to ourselves?

It needs to stop. I don't care what you think is "wrong" about you, you are a beautiful creation of God, with potential, beauty, and light! Your body is an amazing gift. Don't disagree with me.  It is!

A huge part of my journey to self-love has been breaking the cycle of negative thinking that has dominated my mind for as long as I can remember. It takes work. I still have to work at it every day. But it has been one of the best decisions I've made for my happiness and confidence.

First, I keep positive messages about myself on my mirror, my phone screen, and on several Pinterest boards. Re-read them often, even if you don't believe them at first.

My phone screen. :)

Second, tell yourself three positive things every time you look in the mirror. After awhile, you will start to believe them. This process is important because it replaces the negative thoughts. It gradually gets easier. After years of slamming myself with negative thoughts every time I saw my reflection, it took time to break down those pathways in my brain. Sometimes I even go through my whole body, head to toe, saying to myself, "I love my hair, I love my brain, I love my head, I love my eyes, I love my nose... etc" It took me awhile to believe the "I love my thighs," one, but I'm getting there. :)

How I used to feel while looking in the mirror...

Third, I pray every day that I can be confident and feel God's love for me. A deep knowledge of His love helps me to love myself, and love others. I know that it hurts God when we verbally or physically abuse the beautiful bodies He created for us! He loves us exactly how we are, and we need to strive to do the same, no matter what stage of health we are in. And I fully believe that when we love our bodies, and recognize them as a gift from God, we are positively motivated to take care of them.  I don't feel like exercising or eating healthily when I feel bad about myself.

Fourth, build up those around you. Don't let other women talk bad about themselves in front of you, and don't talk bad about others. Give genuine compliments. Look for the beauty in everyone and everything! Once you start noticing beauty, you'll be able to notice it in yourself, too--physical, spiritual, intellectual, and every other type of beauty that you and those around you exude. 

I challenge all of you reading this to commit today to start breaking the cycle of negative self-talk! This negativity isn't exclusive to our bodies. We can be down on ourselves about anything, and none of it is helpful. Treat yourself like someone you love, and you will come to love yourself. I know you can do it! It is so worth it, and you deserve it, because you are beautiful.

The Scale . . . Weighing My Options (Get it?)

I broke up with my scale recently. We've had an on-again off-again thing going for a long time. My relationship with the scale started out pretty rough.

I was nine year's old, and at the private school I attended, we were having a unit about the human body. My well-meaning yet clueless teacher thought it would be a good idea to plot all of our heights and weights on the board. I sat, in agony, awaiting the public humiliation. I was the tallest in the class, and sure enough, I weighed more than everyone else except one other little girl, who looked even more miserable than I felt. I still remember that number. 80. It seemed impossibly high, compared to my best friend's 56 pounds, or my crush, who weighed a mere 60 pounds. What was wrong with me? I ate normal food, ran around and played just as much as anyone else.

That was the first moment I realized that I should be ashamed of the number on the scale if it was bigger than someone else's, especially a boy. I was heavier, and that was a bad thing.

I avoided the scale at all cost after this, even going so far as looking away when I was weighed at the doctor's office. But still, I knew. I just knew that I weighed more than a lot of my friends. I entered public school in eighth grade.  I remember sitting in biology one time, listening to a tiny, perky blonde girl bemoan that she weighed a full 89 pounds, and I thought that if I weighed eighty pounds at age nine, surely by age 13, and at 5' 9" tall, already wearing a C cup bra, my left leg probably weighed roughly as much as she did.

 At age 14, a freshman in high school, I started Weight Watchers online, which requires weekly weigh-ins. Over the course of three months, I dropped 30 pounds. For the first time in a long time, I was wearing a size medium t-shirt. People complimented me every day, and pretty soon I was weighing myself every day. It was like a drug. My mood was determined directly by whether or not I weighed more or less than the day before.

After I plateaued, I panicked. The number wasn't going down anymore, and even occasionally went up one or two pounds. I remembered that nobody gave me compliments before I lost weight, so obviously, if I gained weight again, I wouldn't be beautiful anymore. At this point, I started skipping meals when I could get away with it. I started to hate food, and yet, I thought about food and my weight nearly all the time. Finally, that summer, I realized that I weighed less than I ever had, but I was more miserable than I ever had been. It occurred to me, through the grace of God, that it just wasn't worth it. I had seen others close to me suffer through eating disorders, and that wasn't me. So I stopped. I stopped weighing myself, and I stopped dieting.

By the time I was a senior in high school, I was back to hating myself. My weight had gone up again, and I felt uglier than I ever had. My intelligence, my talents, my friends, my family . . . none of those wonderful things in my life could make up for the fact that I was "fat." I wasn't weighing myself, but had started emotional eating to try to make myself feel better. Shockingly, it didn't work.

Over the next few years, and the course of my mission for the church, I weighed myself sporadically, and my weight fluctuated. A lot. As I served my mission, food and my weight became the last thing on my mind, and I was happier than I've ever been. The number on the scale just didn't matter compared to what I could accomplish, who I could help, and who I was becoming.

I would be lying if I said that I haven't weighed myself ever in the two years I've been home from my mission, but the lesson I learned there has stuck with me. The number on the scale does not reflect my worth. It doesn't make me more or less loved by God, my family, or my friends. It doesn't make me more or less beautiful. It's just a number. So sorry, scale, but I don't need you anymore. I'm happier on my own, thanks!

The Purpose of this Blog

I have felt for over a year to share my journey to confidence and self-love, and I've put it off for over a year because I was slightly terrified to do it.

My journey has been long, personal, and difficult, wading through self-doubt, societal beauty expectations, stereotypes, diets, and a pervasive and long-standing belief that I was unlovable, mainly because of my body. While I am still struggling through some of these insecurities, God has helped lift me out of the sludge of my own doubts and fears, and come to a place where I know my worth, I love myself, and I'm not afraid to stand out or take up space in this world.

I know that I'm not the only woman out there who has struggled to love myself--body and soul. I can't even count how many beautiful, incredible women I know and look up to who don't see what I see, and what I know God sees in them. We all have limitless potential, and we all have beauty, inside and out.

What it says on my mirror. :)

The purpose of this blog is to share my journey with others who don't like what they see in the mirror. Every woman deserves to love and honor herself and her body through every stage of life! I hope and pray that through sharing my experiences and insight, I can help even one woman to see more of the bright and beautiful in herself and in the world.