What Depression Feels Like to Me

So, as some of you may have guessed by my lack of consistent posts of late (and for my close friends, by my lack of texts/calls/interactions) I have been struggling again with my depression. The stupid thing about depression is that it is unpredictable, even on medication.

I've been taking an antidepressant for over a year, and it has helped me SO much to feel like a normal person again, and to function. Unfortunately, for me and for pretty much every other person I know who deals with depression, medication doesn't make it all go away. Yes, there are times when I feel good. There are also times when I feel dreadful. It isn't just the normal-life-ups-and-downs. It's more than that. I felt prompted to write this post because maybe it might help someone else who is struggling. I hope so. Here's my incomplete list about some of the ways depression feels to me.

1. When I wake on a bad day, (or month, or several months), nothing feels okay. Everything feels wrong. I feel exhausted, sad, heavy, and worthless. Everything feels too hard, from showering, to praying, to facing a day at work. It takes everything I can do just to pull myself out of bed.

2. Sometimes, after a bad day, I don't feel like I have anything to give to anyone. I don't want to do anything except crawl into my bed and numbly watch Gilmore Girls for several hours. Anything social sounds exhausting. I may seem flaky during these times by cancelling plans I made on a good day.

3. I am nearly always close to the edge emotionally on a bad day. Small things make me want to cry, and I often cry myself to sleep. Sometimes it isn't even clear what I'm feeling sad about. It's a general heaviness on my chest, pressing into me.

4. When I'm depressed I feel guilty for everything. The guilt makes me feel worse, and it becomes a vicious circle which leads to tears or apathy. Apathy is worse.

5. No matter how much I try to talk myself out of it, I can't just make the sadness go away. It's not something I like or choose. It isn't something that can be fixed through just making up my mind to be happy, or listening to upbeat music. When I can't make myself feel better, I feel like I'm worthless or letting everyone around me down because of my sadness.

6. When I'm sad, sometimes I feel like I deserve it, because maybe I haven't been eating as healthy as I should, or haven't been exercising, or maybe I've made mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. Sometimes I feel like I don't care about anything at all... I just feel numb.

This is a very incomplete list. I don't write this to make anyone feel bad or sad or discouraged, I write this so that anyone reading who might be struggling right now as well knows they aren't alone. I write this because I want to share that without finding the right medication, my depression was so much worse.

I write this because prayer has helped me, even on my very worst days, to cut through the darkness and find hope and light because God loves me. In spite of the challenges and trials we are all facing, depression or otherwise, God loves us infinitely. I know that. The trials we face in this life make us stronger. I know that nothing we go through is too much for us, because we can turn to the Lord for help.

I am eternally grateful for my God, my Savior, and for friends and family who always reach out to me during the hard times. Struggling with depression has helped me realize how many people truly love me. Depression has helped me to know that God cares for me enough to send me comfort and peace and angels in the form of friends and family members.

Even when things are hard, we can trust in God's love and mercy. Even if we don't always feel it, it is always always there. If anyone out there wants to talk, feel free to message me. I would love to try to help you in any way that I can.

This is one of my favorite songs. It reminds me that even in deep trials, we can trust in God.