I'm Not Sorry

 

Statistics have shown that women apologize 30-40% more than men. Okay, I totally made up that statistic. But seriously, the percentage is at least that high in my experience, if not higher. The purpose of this post is NOT to bash on men, believe me. I love men. Basically I'm just making a point that as women, we typically apologize a lot more than we need to.

How many times per day do you apologize? Just come up with a rough estimate. Now, how many of those apologies were actually necessary? How many of those apologies occurred when you had actually done something you needed to say sorry for?

Let me be clear: apologizing is not a bad thing when we've done something wrong. It is an essential part of any successful relationship to say sorry when we are in the wrong. But when is it not good to apologize? Any of the following scenarios:

- Before asking a question in class or church or at work
- For taking up space on a bus, train, table, or in a hallway
- For having a different opinion from someone else
- For not wanting to do something
- When you have a valid excuse
- To avoid necessary or healthy confrontation
- For having needs
- For being emotional or having feelings
- For taking care of yourself
- For saying NO
- For not taking someone's advice
- For being yourself
- For existing

I'm betting that many of us have offered apologies for many of the above reasons. I'm also betting that most of you could add at least ten more things to this list. Here's the thing: apologizing excessively can make us feel like a victim, like we are being walked on, like we don't deserve to have an opinion, or that our valid actions or words were unacceptable. So, think before you apologize! You don't need to be sorry for making yourself heard, standing out, loving yourself, or being yourself.

Here is an interesting article about why women apologize so much: Why Women Apologize Too Much

Emotional Eating: Balancing Act

So, I have a history of emotional eating. This will not be an easy post for me to write, because, in all honesty,  it is something that I'm still working on. My eventual goal is to find a balance in my eating habits that is healthy physically and emotionally. This is a balancing act I am still trying to walk.


For almost as long as I can remember, I have used my eating habits as a way to feel better emotionally. Sometimes this entailed eating food, and sometimes this entailed NOT eating food. Neither approach is a healthy one.

The time that I have had the healthiest relationship with food was on my mission, because I just wasn't thinking about it all that much. I was busy from literally 6:30am until 10:30pm every day, and food was just a part of life. It was fuel that enabled me to keep going, and it was the occasional treat. However, food was usually the last thing on my mind.

me on my mission, so happy and NOT stressing about food!

At other times in my life, I have thought about little else besides food. What I would eat, how much I was eating, and whether or not I could eat a meal/snack/dessert based on how much I had already consumed that day. It became an obsession.

The time in high school when I was dieting and at my thinnest, I was also regularly skipping meals and it got to the point where not eating made me feel better, like I was in control. When I did eat, it was carefully portioned amounts, based on how much I felt I deserved based on my eating behavior that day.

We have all seen in movies and TV shows, the girls after break-ups eating ice cream from a giant tub, with tears running down their faces. This scenario has been a reality several times in my life, and I can attest to the fact that it doesn't help for long. The rush of sugar made me feel better temporarily, but it didn't last, because it wasn't a real solution. It was a quick fix, that more often than not, made me feel worse after because of the associated food-guilt.

This brings up a point that I've made before, that we are less likely to take care of our bodies when we feel bad about ourselves. Cramming down the junk food to feel better or skipping meals to feel better are both unhealthy habits, and frankly, I'm worth more than that. We all are.

I think it is all about balance, and finding what works for us and makes us happy, and helps us feel like we are taking care of our bodies. For me, this means indulging now and then in cupcakes, but it also means striving to eat healthy the majority of the time. I'm going to continue try and not let my emotions dictate my eating habits. There are better ways to feel better than eating a tub of ice cream or skipping meals. Food can and should be an enjoyable part of life, a blessing, and a way to fuel your beautiful body. Honor your body, love yourself, and treat yourself well.You deserve it.

For more information or help with eating disorders, check out the link below.
http://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/about-us/

Also, check out some past posts related to this topic:
http://bethanyjoybrown.blogspot.com/2015/03/food-is-not-enemy.html
http://bethanyjoybrown.blogspot.com/2015/02/why-im-not-trying-to-lose-few-pounds.html

Coming to Terms with my Height

 I haven't always loved my height. I shot up to my current height of 5' 10.5" right around 8th grade, which was also the first year I attended public school. The junior high I went to was small, with only about 350 students total, and I was by far one of the tallest people at school, including most of the teachers.

For an impressionable, somewhat awkward, still developing thirteen year old, standing out so much was devastating. The astute observation, "you're tall..." was said to me at least twice a day every day. Not only was I tall, I was definitely more developed than most of the girls. My friends were jealous of my bra size, but I felt self-conscious all the time. I wanted more than anything to be shorter and smaller.

#TallGirlProblems 

Most of the boys in my grade looked like I could babysit them. Some seemed to regard me with fear and awe. After creaming a boy in a class arm wrestling competition, I didn't feel happy and proud, I felt like a freak. Not only that, but finding clothes that fit in the styles my friends wore was nearly impossible. I hated that I couldn't fit into the clothes in the juniors section, and that finding stylish jeans long enough was but a faint and impossible dream.

Going to a bigger high school, as well as gaining more self-confidence, made some of my height insecurity go away. I still remember, though, one time that I wore high heels to a church dance. I didn't get asked to dance once the entire night, and my fifteen year old self vowed bitterly to never wear heels to a dance again. 

Soon enough, however, I began to see some perks in my height. I had several opportunities to get things off the top shelf at the grocery store for cute old people. I found that it wasn't so bad after all to stand out. I started shopping more and finding clothes that fit that I felt pretty in, and realized that having a tall, curvy body was a blessing, not a curse. Just in the last year, I started wearing high heels when I want to. I actually enjoy feeling tall and strong. 

 It took a long time, but today, my twenty five year old self wishes I could tell that insecure thirteen year old girl that she should love herself more. It isn't bad to stand out. Height, weight, curly hair, straight hair, thin figure, curvy figure, thin figure... it's all good. Our physical characteristics are just a part of us, and we can embrace and love them all. The only person you need approval from is yourself.  

We should all throw our shoulders back and proudly present who we are to the world. We should all stand tall no matter our height! We are all beautiful, powerful women capable of doing great things. Don't let something as silly as your height keep you from sharing yourself with the world. 

Loving Your Love Handles: Fighting Damaging Beauty Trends

I love my love handles. In fact, I love my waist and hips, too. I'm proud of my curves, and the unique shape and contour of my body. It's MY body, and I refuse to hate parts of myself just because someone tells me I should.

Various parts of women's bodies are under attack. The part of body deemed offensive by society changes. Love handles, tummies, and thighs seem to be the most recent parts under scrutiny. I remember when I was younger, there was an obsession in the media with having abs. Products and workouts to achieve a flat, toned stomach flooded the market.

Later, love handles also became an issue. If you have ANY extra fat or skin on your sides, you better get rid of those suckers in any way possible. I have even seen so-called "thinspiration" on Pinterest that says "Friends Don't Let Friends Have Love Handles," which is just absurd. Love handles are basically the least important quality I can think of when choosing friends.

More recently, thigh gaps became the desired trait. Never mind that it basically requires a specific bone structure to achieve a thigh gap without starving yourself, thighs were suddenly not allowed to touch anymore.

Plastic surgery is more and more common, with much higher rates among women than men.
Breast enhancement has been an ever growing industry for ages (no pun intended), and women are putting themselves through major surgery, often for purely cosmetic reasons.

Believe it or not, ever since the increasingly risque Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions, there is now a surgical procedure called "vaginoplasty." Yes, really. It seems that no part of a woman's body is safe from scrutiny, or the surgeons knife.

My purpose of this post is NOT to shame any woman who has undergone plastic surgery, or anyone who works hard to achieve their fitness goals. Not in the slightest! I believe every woman should be able to do what she wants in order to feel good and powerful and beautiful.

I just hope that before we, as women, can learn to not objectify ourselves. I hope that we can learn to love and appreciate our bodies for the amazing gift that they are, instead of picking them to pieces in self-objectification, shame, and hatred. I hope that any woman, before making the choice to have cosmetic surgery, will seriously consider the reasons behind it, and know that she is beautiful, loved, worthwhile, and powerful no matter what--and that really, our appearance has so little to do with who we really are and what we can accomplish.

Every woman deserves to love and honor her body, love handles or not. In fact, I'm evidence of the fact that, with work, you can learn to love your body, no matter what anyone else says. I know you can do it, too. And it is so worth it. Life is more fun and more beautiful when we love ourselves! And when you love yourself, you give other women permission to love themselves too.

For more information on recognizing the harmful body messages from the media, check out beautyredefined.org. It has been a powerful resource in recognizing and fighting the war against women's bodies.

Growing Flowers from the Ashes of Rejection

Maybe the beautiful spring blossoms have inspired me to write about something that has been on my mind for awhile now: how to love yourself and start fresh, after significant pain or loss. Heartbreak and rejection can be some of the most difficult emotions to overcome. I have personal experience with these challenges, and have also seen many people I love go through similar pain.

How can we love ourselves through and in spite of rejection? This rejection and heartbreak could come from many aspects of life, not just from romantic relationships. We can feel heartbroken from failures or weaknesses, rejection from family, friends, jobs, or God. I think all of us have dealt with many forms of rejection and heartbreak, and it can be really hard to make it through the day, let alone feel like we love ourselves, when we are struggling with severe pain.


I am still learning. I am in no way a heartbreak expert. However, I felt inspired to share five tactics that have helped me overcome significant losses in my life.

1) Never stop praying.
There are times when I've felt lost and alone, and frankly, angry with God for the hurt I was experiencing. I felt tempted sometimes to stop praying, because it didn't seem to be helping things go the way I wanted any way. However, we should always keep communication with God open, no matter how angry we are. Prayer through heartbreak has helped me to develop humility and a greater ability to trust and submit to God's plan for my life.

2) Don't force yourself to just "get over it."
Everyone experiences grief and loss in different ways, and too often we think there should be a specific timeline for getting over it. That isn't true. Obviously, at some point sadness can be debilitating and it may be time to get extra help, but it takes time to get over things. Don't beat yourself up if you take longer than some of your friends to move on.

3) Don't be afraid to get help if you need it.
I regularly ask for prayers and support from my friends and family. If you don't feel like being alone, don't be shy asking for company. If your sadness extends for a long amount of time, and starts to have a negative effect on your ability to function, don't be afraid to look into therapy or medication. Sometimes traumatic experiences can trigger depression or anxiety. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and there is help available.

4) Do nice things for yourself.
Maybe that means taking a bubble bath, going to bed early, having a girl's night out, or getting a pedicure. Doing things we enjoy can help so much when you feel sad or discouraged. I've learned through personal experience that watching Downton Abbey for six hours may feel like a great idea when you're heartbroken, and it does help numb the pain temporarily, but it doesn't really do any good in the long run.

5) Remind yourself of your worth.
When someone has rejected you, it can be so hard to feel loved, beautiful, wanted, and worthwhile. However, when we are going through pain it is more important than ever to remind ourselves of these things. Your worth does not diminish based on someone else's perception of you. Put positive notes on your mirror, have friends or family write a list of things they admire about you, and tell yourself you are beautiful several times a day if you need to. Positive thinking can go far in getting rid of negativity, and remembering that even when one opportunity has gone, there is so much beauty and joy ahead.

Heartbreak and rejection have shaped my personality, given me empathy and compassion, and helped me come closer to the Lord. He is always there for us, even when the hurt doesn't go away immediately. You are worthy of love and acceptance, and you are already loved and accepted by God. Remember that.

Stress Less

Today's post is going to be short and sweet, because I am drowning in homework! This very fact helped me decide on today's topic: STRESS.

Stress affects our lives in so many ways. We can literally make ourselves ill from too much stress. Stress can lead to depression, anxiety, ulcers, and a number of other problems. Too often we put other priorities above our own health and happiness.

I was talking to a dear friend last night about how stressed I am to be behind in my homework. Before I knew it, I was beating myself up about not just the homework, but the fact that my room needs to be cleaned, and that I was basically behind on everything. Then my friend smiled and told me "You're fine. Don't be so hard on yourself! It's not that big of a deal."

She was completely right. We allow ourselves to be busy to the point of exhaustion, and then we beat ourselves up for still not doing enough! You deserve to put your relaxation as a priority now and then.

Please, take time to relax. Take time to release the stress. Don't be so hard on yourself. I believe that all of you reading this are doing the best you can, and guess what? That's enough. Never guilt yourself into feeling like you can't take the time you need to exercise, eat a nourishing meal, or get enough sleep. Maybe it's not always realistic, but my challenge for this post is to take at least an hour this weekend to really relax. Sleep in. Take a walk. Listen to some relaxing music and rest your eyes. Do some yoga. Write about a problem you're having or something that is causing you stress.

You deserve to be happy and healthy. You are worth treating yourself well. And remember, everything will work out. I promise it will! So whatever is stressing you, put it down for awhile and remember to relax.

Preparing for Swimsuit Season

It has been really warm the past few days, and the sun that is taking much of the chill out of the air has been a constant reminder that spring is coming. I've started daydreaming about sandals, pools, and browning in the sun. And, because I'm a woman who has been surrounded by a body-obsessed culture my entire life, thoughts of swimsuit season have come creeping in my head.

Warmer weather in general makes it a lot harder to hide the things about our bodies that we dislike. Pants, boots, sweaters, scarves, and hoodies make it all too easy to drown our insecurities in a sea of wool, and feel fine eating Nutella from the jar because, who cares? (Which, by the way, no judgement there. I've done it before, and I'll do it again.)

Spring and summer means new, brighter, more revealing clothing coming into the stores, and People Magazine's horrific "Beach Bodies Edition," which could basically be called "People's Body Shaming Edition." All the women's magazines will be full of bikini boot camps and juice fasts to prepare our unsuspecting bodies for swimsuit season. While the change of seasons can be a great motivator to get healthy and treat yourself right, and the warmer weather makes it easier to be active and eat healthy, it can be psychologically and emotionally damaging to put so much pressure on ourselves to become thin before summer. Especially because the culturally constructed ideal beach body is not a healthy way to be for most women in the world.

I read this lovely blog post a few months ago, and knew I wanted to share it (contains some profanity). The only requirements for wearing a bathing suit are 1) having a body and 2) putting a bathing suit on it. Dress for yourself. Dress to feel good and happy and comfortable. I could care less what People Magazine or anyone else thinks about my beach body. As I've mentioned before, I finally decided last year to stop wearing shorts over my swimsuit when I go to the beach, and even though I felt insecure for the first few minutes, it didn't take long at all until I felt happy, confident, and beautiful without my shorts (security blanket). I'll wear what I want and love myself, too. We deserve so much more than to regard our bodies with shame, hatred, or insecurity. Life is to be lived and enjoyed! So this year, when you start thinking about swimsuit season, I hope you can approach it with excitement and self-love. You have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. You are beautiful, powerful, and deserve to live life to the fullest. I know I intend to!

Making Up: Facing Reality

I like wearing makeup. I enjoy trying out new colors and styles, and it's a fun way to change up my appearance, and highlight certain features that I enjoy.  In general, I don't think there is anything wrong with makeup. However, just like anything, makeup can be taken too far. Too often makeup becomes means of hiding or covering or changing who we really are. Sometimes it can get to the point where we feel like we can't be seen without makeup... that we are less beautiful, successful, lovable, or worthy when we aren't wearing makeup.

We also have a culture of "makeovers." Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a makeover show as much as the next girl, but too often we associate a new look with new potential, or new worth, when really the potential and worth was there all along. We let our physical insecurities get in the way of doing all that we can and desire to do in life. The beauty industry thrives on women's insecurities. Blemishes, uneven skin tone, wrinkles, and freckles are just a few of the hundreds of things the beauty industry tells us we should "fix," through purchasing some product or other. We are taught to notice every single minuscule flaw on our faces, and to hold our own poor face to the standard of airbrushed models on the cover of magazines.

This can be dangerous. Not only are we spending tons of money in pursuit of impossible and unrealistic standards, it further propagates the idea that being natural and makeup free is not acceptable-- that any differences should be hidden, because we "owe" it to the world to put our best face forward, and that can't be done without makeup.

It also keeps women in front of the mirror for countless hours a week, just to get the perfect liquid line. I'm guilty of spending too much time getting ready, to the point where I regularly wind up skipping breakfast, exercise, or sleep in pursuit of getting my makeup just so.

Here's the bottom line: if you enjoy wearing makeup, that's awesome! It can be a fun and empowering way to express yourself. I just hope that you will try going without makeup sometimes. Whenever I do, I'm shocked that first, most people don't even notice. Second, people still like me and still talk to me, and third, that my face is still lovely sans makeup! I don't need makeup to be beautiful, powerful, loved, or successful. Neither do you. My challenge this week is to try going a day without makeup! You may be surprised at how freeing it can be. Fall in love with your face, because makeup or not, you are beautiful.

Food is not the Enemy.

How often is food labeled as either "good" or "bad?" Or a particular type of dessert described as "sinful?" Whenever someone is dieting, you hear things like, "I was so bad today." Wait a minute. Since when did eating certain things affect our morality?  In many other cultures, meals are based on tradition, family, pleasure, and nourishment, not about how little we can eat and still survive.

Food is what we use to fuel our bodies! You wouldn't try running your car on little or no gas, because the gas might make your car fat. I repeat: FOOD IS NOT YOUR ENEMY!

Aside from cannibalism, I'm pretty sure eating something doesn't make you a bad person.

Why does there have to be so much guilt associated with food? This turns healthy food into a punishment, and unhealthy food becomes some sort of sinful indulgence that we need to atone for with squats and juice fasts. Now, I'm NOT dissing exercise or healthy eating. I think it's super important to be healthy and take care of our bodies. I just think that it is harmful to associate so much guilt with food. That kind of thinking leads to eating disorders. Because if eating something becomes a sign of weakness, or a bad thing, that can easily transition to eating at all being a sign of weakness or a bad thing.

Back when I was dieting, and would  eat something I was craving, like a cookie, it usually went like this:

Me: I shouldn't eat that. Cookies are bad. That cookie will make me fat.

Cookie: But I'm so delicious! Look at all the chocolate. You've been good all morning. You didn't even eat breakfast. One cookie won't hurt.

Me: *eats cookie* Crap. Now I blew it! I'm so horrible. I have no self-control. Why did I eat that cookie? *proceeds to obsess about the cookie for another two hours*

Coworker: Hey, do you want a doughnut?

Me: Well, I already blew it by eating that cookie, so I guess today is shot. *Proceeds to eat two donuts, another cookie, and then feels guilty and depressed for the rest of the day, and thinks about skipping dinner to make up for it.* (Stay tuned for a future post about my history of emotional eating.)

So, aside from the fact that past Beth was having a conversation with a cookie, this scenario presents several problems. First of all, past Beth has associated her worth and will-power based on a cookie. Second, the cookie has then taken over her mind and life for a period of time. Third, the cookie obsession lead past Beth to eat much more than she wanted to, because she felt worthless and bad about herself already. This is clearly problematic. Beth now will stop referring to herself in third person.

To eat or not to eat? EAT. Your body needs fuel, people.

When there isn't so much guilt associated with food, I'm able to rationally assess a situation, listen to my body, and decide if I really want a cookie or not. Sometimes I decide that I do, and then I eat the cookie and move on. Sometimes I decide that I'm really not hungry, and then I similarly make the decision to abstain, and move on. This attitude is much more balanced for me, and has helped me not spend so much time thinking and obsessing about food.

With this new outlook, the power is in my hands, not the food. Eat to fuel and nourish your amazing body, and eat what makes you feel good. Find what works for you. The point is, you aren't a bad person if you eat a cookie, or even twelve cookies. In fact, the amount of cookies you eat doesn't have anything to do with your worth as a human being or your morality. And neither, for that matter, does your weight. If you are trying to get healthier, that's awesome! Just know that you don't have to hate yourself and hate food through the process.