What Depression Feels Like to Me

So, as some of you may have guessed by my lack of consistent posts of late (and for my close friends, by my lack of texts/calls/interactions) I have been struggling again with my depression. The stupid thing about depression is that it is unpredictable, even on medication.

I've been taking an antidepressant for over a year, and it has helped me SO much to feel like a normal person again, and to function. Unfortunately, for me and for pretty much every other person I know who deals with depression, medication doesn't make it all go away. Yes, there are times when I feel good. There are also times when I feel dreadful. It isn't just the normal-life-ups-and-downs. It's more than that. I felt prompted to write this post because maybe it might help someone else who is struggling. I hope so. Here's my incomplete list about some of the ways depression feels to me.

1. When I wake on a bad day, (or month, or several months), nothing feels okay. Everything feels wrong. I feel exhausted, sad, heavy, and worthless. Everything feels too hard, from showering, to praying, to facing a day at work. It takes everything I can do just to pull myself out of bed.

2. Sometimes, after a bad day, I don't feel like I have anything to give to anyone. I don't want to do anything except crawl into my bed and numbly watch Gilmore Girls for several hours. Anything social sounds exhausting. I may seem flaky during these times by cancelling plans I made on a good day.

3. I am nearly always close to the edge emotionally on a bad day. Small things make me want to cry, and I often cry myself to sleep. Sometimes it isn't even clear what I'm feeling sad about. It's a general heaviness on my chest, pressing into me.

4. When I'm depressed I feel guilty for everything. The guilt makes me feel worse, and it becomes a vicious circle which leads to tears or apathy. Apathy is worse.

5. No matter how much I try to talk myself out of it, I can't just make the sadness go away. It's not something I like or choose. It isn't something that can be fixed through just making up my mind to be happy, or listening to upbeat music. When I can't make myself feel better, I feel like I'm worthless or letting everyone around me down because of my sadness.

6. When I'm sad, sometimes I feel like I deserve it, because maybe I haven't been eating as healthy as I should, or haven't been exercising, or maybe I've made mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. Sometimes I feel like I don't care about anything at all... I just feel numb.

This is a very incomplete list. I don't write this to make anyone feel bad or sad or discouraged, I write this so that anyone reading who might be struggling right now as well knows they aren't alone. I write this because I want to share that without finding the right medication, my depression was so much worse.

I write this because prayer has helped me, even on my very worst days, to cut through the darkness and find hope and light because God loves me. In spite of the challenges and trials we are all facing, depression or otherwise, God loves us infinitely. I know that. The trials we face in this life make us stronger. I know that nothing we go through is too much for us, because we can turn to the Lord for help.

I am eternally grateful for my God, my Savior, and for friends and family who always reach out to me during the hard times. Struggling with depression has helped me realize how many people truly love me. Depression has helped me to know that God cares for me enough to send me comfort and peace and angels in the form of friends and family members.

Even when things are hard, we can trust in God's love and mercy. Even if we don't always feel it, it is always always there. If anyone out there wants to talk, feel free to message me. I would love to try to help you in any way that I can.

This is one of my favorite songs. It reminds me that even in deep trials, we can trust in God. 

Faith Through the Twists and Turns

First, I want to say thank you to all those who have encouraged me to start writing again. I appreciate every single person who takes the time to read my blog, and I am so grateful that some of the things I have to say resonate with many.

Something that I've noticed about life is that things don't always go as we plan. In my life, things have rarely if ever gone as I have planned. In fact, most of the time, life feels like that time as a kid when you were trying to build a block tower, and some other kid kept running over and knocking it down.

When this happens, particularly if it was something we really wanted that fell through, the temptation comes to blame God. In the not-so-distant past, I've felt very angry at God for not giving me what I wanted. For many months, this pride and hurt I felt created a barrier that kept me from fully communicating with Him, or allowing myself to feel His love, or have faith in the future, or in His plans for me.

It took a long time, and lots of tears, until I finally have found peace in the absolute knowledge that the Lord loves me. Although I have just as many missing puzzle pieces in my life plan, and no clear big picture or even five year plan to speak of, the knowledge of his love and my worth puts everything into perspective. It is okay to not know everything. It is okay for things to go differently than we plan. Sometimes, we only know one step at a time. I believe that when we trust in the Lord, things turn out better than we could ever plan for ourselves. We grow stronger as we walk by faith.

 I believe that we all have a special purpose and mission to accomplish in life. I believe that we can trust in God's plan for us. As we try to seek Him, and move forward with faith, we can trust that the turns and bumps in the road are shaping us into exactly who He needs us to be. We are all important to Him. We have so much to give and do and be. I hope that in the future I can spend less time asking "why?" and more time asking "what can I learn?" 

Blooming Again After Being Uprooted

For the first time in weeks, I felt like I could write again. I felt that I had important things to convey. Personal trials, as well as a bout of depression have been consuming my life. I'm so grateful that God has given me my inspiration back! I truly feel that this blog is something He wants me to do--to share the path I'm on in finding my inner strength, beauty, purpose, and confidence, and hopefully helping others to do the same.

I've been thinking about a lot lately . . . strength through hardship, healing of broken hearts, and the ups and downs we all inevitably experience in this life. Something has occurred to me: we have to strive to bloom where we are planted, even after being uprooted.

How life feels most of the time. 

 I've felt uprooted a lot in the last few years. I've moved six times since I returned home from my full-time mission in October 2012. Not only have I felt uprooted physically, but also emotionally. My so-called "life plan" has altered in as many times, and I've struggled to adjust. I've had times feeling lost, alone, bitter, afraid, and indifferent (which is perhaps the worst of all). I struggle with depression, and sometimes it feels just too hard to even get out of bed in the morning.

It is only through prayer, as well as support and love from friends and family, that I have been able to pick myself up after times of uprooting. It is through remembering the times in the past where I've overcome difficulties, and felt the support of God as I faced monumental trials, and came off conqueror through Him who gives me strength. 

No matter how barren life seems, or how alone, lost, broken, or sorrowful you may feel, or how inadequate to conquer trials you are facing, you can find inner strength. It isn't easy, and it never will be. But that's life, and when we stand strong through trials, or even when we fall and then pick ourselves up again, we get stronger and stronger.

You can know, with confidence, that you are a beloved child of God, and that He created you to succeed. You are beautiful and powerful and were created with a purpose, and the storm will pass. Don't allow your own fears and doubts to keep you from living your life, climbing your mountains, and sharing your beauty with the world.

Letting Go

I have a hard time letting go. I've never been able to brush things off and move on. Sometimes this is good, but many times I hold onto things that I shouldn't. Being unwilling to let go of things that have caused us pain or heartache, or that aren't good for us, makes it harder to be happy, to heal, and to forgive.

Too often we remember hurtful words, painful mistakes, or bad relationships, and we are the only thing preventing ourselves from moving on. This is something that I'm still working on.

Letting go requires faith that whatever God has brought into your life is going to ultimately, be for your greatest good. Letting go means trusting Him, and trusting our own potential and right to be happy, strong, and whole.

Holding onto pain builds walls, creates barriers, and makes us fearful and less able to trust. A crucial part of letting go is being able to forgive ourselves.

But how can we let things go? I'm still trying to find the answer to this. I know that I can't do it alone. I know that with help from God, we can put down the things that we are holding onto that cause us pain, and be ready to turn the page and move forward to something better.

Letting go leads to freedom and happiness. My challenge this week is to think of a burden you've been carrying, and strive to find a way to let go of it, even for a little while.You deserve to be happy, enjoy life, and be able to see the beauty in yourself and in everything, without holding onto things that are bringing you down or causing you pain.

False Advertising

The past four months have been the first in years where I have been in a house with cable. Occasionally, I'll sit and watch TV (Boy Meet's World for the win!), and I have been thinking a lot lately about advertising.

While books could, and have been, written about advertising and their effects on self-worth, one particular aspect has stuck out to me, and that's acne. I never realized how many skin care commercials there are. According to advertising, a zit or two is the absolute worst thing in the entire world. If you have any type of blemish or discoloration on your face, you better hightail it to the nearest Wallgreens, buy some face wash, and scrub the heck out of those monsters before you are shunned by everyone you know.

One ad shows women hiding behind various objects, so no one can see their faces. The ad claims "stop hiding!" behind hoods, hair, and apparently balloons (?) and treat their acne so they can confidently rejoin the world. Come on! Another ad shows kids in high school talking about the popular kids, and how they are popular because they have clear skin. Really?

I hate breaking out as much as the next person. I wish I had known that I would, in fact, break out more in my twenties than I would as a teenager. But seriously, after about an hour of watching TV, the sixth acne commercial came on and I wanted to yell "ENOUGH ALREADY!" Our self-worth should not be based on the clearness of our skin. This same principle can be applied to wrinkles. There are countless products advertised to minimize wrinkles, get rid of wrinkles, make you appear smoother, younger, softer, etc. And don't get me started on all the companies trying to sell you things to make you lose weight.

This is not to dismiss anyone who has had challenges dealing with acne, or anything else that made you feel insecure or less confident.There is nothing wrong with taking care of ourselves however we see fit, and I'm glad there are products out there that work. But don't buy into the messages that play on your insecurities to sell you products. No company should make you feel less worthwhile as a human being because you have acne, wrinkles, stretch marks, gray hair, or anything else the media says we should feel bad about or change.

It is so pervasive in our culture to base self-worth on appearance, especially for women. This is wrong. Never forget that you have worth, potential, and power, more than you can even know or imagine, and none of that has anything to with what you look like. Don't buy into the false advertising. You are worth more than that.

Seeing the Best in Others

Seeing the best in other people is sometimes perceived as a weakness. People think that it means you are easily taken advantage of, that you are naive, or that you are in denial. I don't agree with any of that.

Seeing the best in others is how I believe God sees us. He knows us perfectly, including all of our weaknesses, faults, and mistakes, and yet He loves us perfectly, too.

Seeing the best in others doesn't mean ignoring people's weaknesses, it means that their potential overshadows their weaknesses. It doesn't mean that you let them take advantage of you. In fact seeing the best in others and giving people the benefit of the doubt can help you find peace. Seeing the best in others doesn't mean you have to stay in a dangerous or abusive relationship.

I haven't always tried to see the best in others. It was something that I had to learn on my mission. The judgmental voice in my head had to be silenced with love. Sometimes, this quality has led to me getting hurt, but it has never led to regrets, and heartbreak is easier to overcome than regret.

I choose to believe there is good and beauty in everyone. I choose to believe that everyone has potential and worth, and treat them that way. I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt, and to be accepting, loving, and non-judgmental, even if I don't condone or agree with their lifestyles, choices, or opinions. We can still love them, and treat them as children of God.

I also choose to see the best in myself. I hope to always be generous with others and with myself, because I really think that most of us are trying the best we can. We are all struggling with different trials and different baggage. I hope we can all be a little more forgiving, and look for the good in ourselves and those around us.

What Do I Really Look Like?

We've all had times when we log into Facebook, expecting to just read a Buzzfeed article and maybe write on a friend's wall for their birthday, when the little red notifications tell us that someone has tagged pictures of us. It's a frightening moment. And then, the abject horror to find that the pictures are maybe less than flattering. Yes, you can "untag" yourself, but if mutual friends are tagged in the picture, everyone you know will still see them. I've had this happen before, and sometimes it has ruined my whole day or even week.

Inevitably, when I see an unflattering picture of myself, the thought comes "Oh my gosh. Is that what I really look like?" It's this moment of just crushing certainty that the unflattering picture is what we must look like all the time, because clearly that image of ourselves is much more real than the beautiful pictures of us. Suddenly the unflattering picture is in the forefront of my mind, and it starts to change how I see myself when I look in the mirror. Thoughts like "Do I always have a double chin, and just don't realize it?" "How was I not sucking in my stomach when this picture was taken?" "Does the back of my head look that flat all the time?" and other equally damaging and frankly ridiculous things pop into my mind, and become a merciless dialogue of self-objectification and shame.

A few years ago, I decided I wasn't going to let an unflattering picture ruin my day, or change the way I see myself and feel about myself. First of all, we shouldn't expect ourselves to look perfect all the time. Second, people see us as a moving, feeling, human being. It's not like we are ever frozen into an image in real life, and everyone is looking at us and thinking how unattractive we are.

This is one of my favorite photos ever. Me and my brother love to take purposely unflattering pictures because they make us die laughing. 

In fact, most people don't actually think about how we look all that much. Especially our friends and family. Think about the reverse of this scenario: When you see an unflattering picture of someone you know on Facebook, it's not like you think to yourself "I'm so glad their TRUE self has finally come to public light. I've always seen them that way." No way! That's terrible. We are so much more generous with others than we are with ourselves.

Besides, we are so much more than what we look like. We are what we do, what we say, what we feel, what we create, what we become . . . Don't let an unflattering picture ruin your peace of mind. You are worth so much more than that! You deserve to treat yourself better than that. Focus on what you are, and working on how you feel about yourself, instead of worrying what you "really" look like, or what other people think you look like. You have so much more to offer the world than a beautiful picture.


For more on this same topic, and strategies to bounce back from a bad body image day, check out this fantastic article from Beauty Redefined.

Celebrate Small Victories

 Celebrate Small Victories! 

This week, I was reminded of the importance of small things. Often I get so caught up in all the things I'm not doing, or should be doing, or want to do, or have to do, that I wind up feeling like an unaccomplished lump. Yes, lump. I'm always grateful for small moments throughout the day that help me remember the good things I'm accomplishing, and also to remember that doing small things that make me feel good, happy, rested, connected to God, or beautiful can make a big difference.

I am going to try to be better at creating and celebrating those moments, because life is short, people. This blog post is also going to be short, because I'm in the throes of finals week, and I got less than four hours of sleep last night. I did, however, go to all my classes today! Huzzah! Small victories!

One other thing that makes me happy is celebrating with other people. I remember in Junior High, when I first entered public school, after announcing a good grade I got on a test, another student said "oh man, I hate you." That seemed super harsh, and also just not a happy way to live. I always try to be happy for other people's happiness.

I love the idea of writing small victories on sticky notes. Because I love sticky notes. 

Body positivity is all about small victories. Our mindset and our outlook changes one thought, one step, one compliment, one day at a time. So give yourself a pat on the back, and don't overlook all the small things you do to make your own life and the lives of others more beautiful! I guarantee you are doing much more than you realize.

And here is a Gandalf quote. Just because. 

Don't Go Changin' . . .

One night when I was in high school I had a vivid dream in which I found out that the boy I was currently crushing  was obsessed with chopping wood. In my dream, I began to feverishly attempt to learn how to chop wood, because I wanted so badly to be the type of girl he wanted to date.

When I woke up, I laughed. Upon further reflection however, I realized that the dream wasn't all that far off. At the time, it felt incomprehensible that a guy would like me just how I was. I was constantly analyzing what type of girls guys were interested in, and trying to figure out how I could be more like those girls. One of the main factors always seemed to be thinness. I just knew that the only way I would ever get a guy to like me would be through losing significant amounts of weight.

In spite of my greater confidence and the years of working and healing that have brought me to where I am today, nine years later, I still occasionally fall into the trap of feeling like I have to change myself in order to deserve or obtain love. Even now, I find myself thinking things like "oh, he would never be interested in me," or "he wouldn't date me unless I was more ________" (fill in the blank--outdoorsy, spiritual, beautiful, academic, etc).

Additionally, when we find out that someone maybe doesn't reciprocate our interest, it can be so easy to fall into a negative mental dialogue of all the reasons why they don't like us. Here's what I have finally realized: When we try to change ourselves, or put on a show as to who we are, we don't end up attracting those who would actually be compatible with us. 

We should always be striving for growth and positive change, and honestly, change will come whether we strive for it or not. We should never feel pressure to change ourselves for someone, or worry that we aren't lovable or worthwhile just how we are. This is one of the hardest lessons that I am still trying to learn--that I am worthy of love. Too often we feel we have to be perfect before we deserve love, but that is absolutely untrue.

The best way I've found to be happy is to learn to love myself--to accept myself and acknowledge my strengths as well as my weaknesses, and to be authentically myself. When we are happy and confident with ourselves, not only will we attract people to us, we will be better able to love others and, along the way, empower other women to embrace themselves as well.

What Can My Body DO?

As much as I hope to always portray an attitude of confidence and self-love, I still have bad days. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, the negative voices come back, and I feel unsatisfied with my appearance. Sometimes, when I'm up late at night and obsessing over my body, I'll pin a bunch of weight loss tips on pinterest, only to feel worse afterwards.

I'm guessing many, if not all of you, can relate to this. We all have bad days where we just feel unhappy with our bodies, and therefore feel worthless. Something I try to remember in these times is to focus on what my body can DO, not just on what my body LOOKS like. Think about it. Our body can do absolutely amazing things!

 

Our bodies are one of our greatest gifts from God. They are beautiful, amazing, marvelous homes for our spirits. I can run, jump, skip, dance (in a manner of speaking), eat, play, sing, talk, sleep, swim, grow, learn, think, hug, smile, laugh, and countless other beautiful and marvelous things. My body enables me to help others, to offer comfort, and one day, hopefully, have a family.

When setting health goals, I always try to have them be focused on health, not appearance. Focus on what you can DO, BE, and BECOME, not how you look to other people. Accepting and loving our bodies is possible for all of us, when we take time to appreciate and honor our body for all it can do. You have so much more to do and be beyond what you look like.