Embracing Your Differences

 

Once upon a time, in eighth grade, a boy looked at me and declared, "Beth, you have a really small forehead." I had never, until that point, noticed that my forehead was smaller than average, or really thought about my forehead much at all, but since that moment, it became an insecurity that I've noticed nearly every time I've looked in the mirror. 

All of us probably have our own unique version of this story--a moment as a child or teenager where someone thought it their duty to point something out about us that they thought was weird, flawed, different, or ugly. We may have even gone to great lengths to try and hide this particular feature.

In addition to my forehead, I was insecure about my above-average height, and consequently refused to wear high heels for most of my life. I have experimented with methods of contouring to try and make my round face appear slimmer. And of course, I was always insecure about my plus-size figure. Your own list will be different than mine, but I'm willing to bet that almost anyone could sit down and write a list of things they dislike about themselves, or feel insecure about.

No wonder we have these insecurities! Our entire lives we are told to look a certain way, and do anything necessary to fit in and be conventionally beautiful. We are surrounded by thousands of images in the media that are Photoshopped out of reality to convey an unattainable "ideal."

The last two years, I've tried to combat this. I've tried to look in the mirror and tell myself that who I am, and what I am, is enough. Not only that, but I've tried to find the things that make me unique, and embrace them as a good thing rather than a bad thing. Instead of finding beauty outside of ourselves, we should try to look within ourselves, and what we already possess. We are all uniquely beautiful, and have the right to appreciate and embrace what makes us different.

 

It may be unrealistic to say that we will immediately be able to love everything about ourselves that we have been taught to hate or change. However, we can train ourselves to look at our uniqueness and value that. We can start to see beauty in what makes us different. I have come to love my height, my broad shoulders, and my curvy figure. I have come to feel happy when I see my round cheeks, bunched up when I smile, because I look happy and it reminds me of the pictures of me when I was a little, before I had learned to judge myself so harshly. 

My challenge this week is to find something about you that you have always felt insecure about, and then strive to find beauty in it. Try to love and appreciate all parts of your body, because your body is an amazing and glorious gift from God. Most importantly, it is YOURS. No one else in the world is like you, and that's a good thing. Embrace yourself, because you are unique for a reason, and you are beautiful.

You Can Do It

Confession: As much as I like to fancy myself Wonder Woman, the last two months of my life have been really hard. I've been dealing with a difficult breakup, a major move, a new school, and a plethora of other personal trials I won't get into. This morning while walking to work, I was thinking about what I wanted to write about in my blog, and the only feeling I could muster was discouragement. I was tired, stressed, hungry, sad, and unmotivated.

As I was walking, temporarily allowing self-pity to wash over me, I forced myself to stop, and tried to think as many positive thoughts as I could muster. Realizing that probably everyone is going through their own personal struggles and trials, I decided to share the thoughts that I used to push away self-negativity and discouragement.

Beth's Inner Monologue of Positivity

Stop it. You can do hard things. Look at how much you have accomplished! Look where you are, and where you are going. Think of how many people love you, and how many people you have helped and impacted. Think of the difficult things you have already gone through, and conquered successfully. You can do anything you set your mind to. You can overcome any difficulty you encounter.

You are strong, beautiful, capable, and blessed. You can get through this, and you will be stronger than ever. No challenge is too great for you, especially because God is on your side! Look at what He has helped you through already in your life. You can do this. He has not and will not leave you alone.

The trials you are experiencing are temporary, and there is always joy, love, and happiness to be found, even in the middle of trials. These challenges are making you into the person God needs you to be. They are making you even stronger and more amazing than you already are. These difficulties will not defeat you. You do not give up.

You have great things to accomplish in life. You have so much happiness ahead. You have so much to contribute to the world and those around you. Don't allow the pain and struggle of the moment make you forget who you are, and the great worth you have. You are incredible! You are strong, and you are mighty. The Lord is on your side, and you can trust Him implicitly. Great and wonderful things are in store for you. 

 

No matter how alone, lost, sad, discouraged, or unimportant you feel, you are not alone. You are not lost. You are important--to God, and to so many people. You can and you will get through this. 

So, there you have it. I felt a lot better after, and it reinforced for me the power of our own thoughts. I hope that today's post helps you with whatever trials you are going through right now. You are strong enough, I promise. I don't know what you are going through, but I do know that you are a beautiful, strong, wonderful child of God. Don't allow yourself to think that you can't, because you can. I know it. 

More Than Their Image : Guest Post by Edwyn Brown

Beth's Forward: So, my brother is an amazing artist, and working on a graphic novel. He and I have had many conversations about how women are portrayed in the media, and specifically in comic books, and I invited him to share his thoughts on the subject! His will be the first of (hopefully many) posts from men in my life sharing why they are feminist, and/or talking about self-love, body image, and women. 

Be sure to check out and like Edwyn's Facebook page, here, to see more of his fantastic artwork!

More Than Their Image: by Edwyn Brown 

I consider myself a feminist. What I generally mean when I say "feminist" is being aware of issues and inequities in our society regarding women (and girls) that I feel need to change, and then trying my best to be a force for that change. One of the biggest issues I have is with the way women are represented and objectified in entertainment and media, or their "image."

I was always taught to treat women and girls properly, and to be a gentleman. Not because girls needed me to be, but because they were daughters of God and they deserved respect. I was also wisely taught that while attraction and the physical are important, true beauty and true romance are founded on what is on the inside. A woman's strength, character, values, intelligence and personality were what ultimately counted, not her physical image.

When I was in high school I picked up a teen magazine in art class and was horrified to learn about the way many teen girls were comparing themselves to fashion models and celebrities, and how this image-obsessed culture was affecting eating disorders, low self-esteem, and other serious problems. I knew that I wanted to be a part of the solution, and that same feeling has increased dramatically in the years since.

Image courtesy of beautyredefined.net

 

In college I studied art, and was constantly aware of the way the images of women were misrepresented. I studied psychology, including research on bulimia and anorexia disorders. I read surveys about body shame and learned about the horrendous empire of fashion photo retouching. I began to notice things that had always been in front of me, like the waist size of cartoon princesses and the often grotesquely exaggerated bodies of comic book women (see example below). Each became a thread in a huge, counterfeit tapestry of objectification. As an aspiring comic artist myself, I was first saddened at the realization that working for a large comic studio would likely mean contributing to this epidemic, and perhaps betraying my beliefs in other ways.

Beth's Note: Umm... because THAT outfit is totally practical to fight crime in--a corset and a push-up bra.

Then it occurred to me--there was a way I could make a difference in this culture of misrepresented women, a way I could be part of the solution. I could create my own comics on my terms. So first I decided that the women in my comics would represent more realistic body types. My main character Jakayla is a pear-shaped young woman, and that is how I will draw her. I am not saying I will attempt to draw photo-realistic characters, my style (like many other comic artists and animators) has a certain graphic simplification of anatomy. But simplified doesn't have to mean unbelievable, grotesque or sexually objectified. Real women and girls run a full spectrum of shapes and sizes based on genetics, diet, lifestyle, and so forth, and each is unique and beautiful in its own way.

Beth's Note: Check out his gorgeous and healthily proportioned main character, Jakayla! 

Even more than their body types, however, I want my female characters to be known for their personalities, their strengths and struggles; for their humor or sadness; for the way they strive against adversity. In an extremely appearance-based medium like comics, I want my female characters to be more than their image, more than whether or not readers will think they are "hot" according to incorrect and often offensive stereotypes.

Even in a place as often distorted as comics, I can make a difference. Maybe it will be so subtle that no one will really notice, but I like to think that some women, men and children who read my comics and see the way I draw might be inspired to be part of the solution as well. We can create media, cartoons, magazines, films, shows, books and yes, even comics that break the mold, that defy misrepresentation, and that work towards a society where women in media and entertainment are much more than their image.

I couldn't agree more! Thanks again to Edwyn Brown for his thoughts, as well as his contribution to redefining how women are portrayed in the media. 

For more about this same subject, check out this article about a man taking his five year old son and seven year old daughter to a comic store.

Why I'm Not "Trying to Lose a Few Pounds"

I'm not trying to lose weight. In fact, as earlier mentioned, I don't even weigh myself anymore. Here's the thing; I can still be healthy, productive, worthwhile, and yes, beautiful, even if I never diet or weigh myself ever again. That's my personal choice, and based on what I need to maintain emotional health and stability.

It is always funny to see the reactions I get when, during a conversation about health or weight loss, I say, "I'm actually really happy with my body." I enjoy throwing that verbal grenade out there, because of the way people react. Some are incredulous, awkward, or even shocked. Loving yourself is a radical concept among women, and one that is not widely practiced or accepted. We are in a world of shame-induced fitness, a culture obsessed with being skinny, and where women are often brainwashed via society that their greatest value lies in their looks. We aren't doing our job as women if we aren't trying to change or fix something about ourselves. 

The thing is, media, and society in general, seem to think it is okay to give unwelcome, unwanted, and often hateful or shaming commentary about other people's bodies, more especially women's bodies. Not only is this evident through the constant barrage of products and foods catered towards helping women lose weight, look thinner, or fit into the prescribed societal beauty standards, but unfortunately, the rise of social media and the "selfie" has opened a world of online hate and shaming never before seen so publicly. This shaming comes from many angles: fat-shaming, thin-shaming, fit-shaming, slut-shaming . . . we see it in the People magazine "beach body" edition, we see it on plus-model's Instagram pages.

Don't believe me? Check out Tess Holliday on instagram. She was just signed as the first ever size 22 model, and boy do some people feel it their duty to tell her how unhealthy she is.

But since when is shaming people a way to accomplish anything good? There is really no way of knowing what stage of their health journey someone is in. They could have just lost 60 pounds, and how damaging to their self-esteem and how awful to judge them or their choices based on something we really know nothing about. And what about other health issues that can prevent people from losing weight easily?

So many plus-sized models get ridiculed from society about being an unhealthy role-models. How do we know? The aforementioned Tess Holliday works out every day. Even if she didn't, though, why do people think it's okay to try and tell her she should lose weight? What is so offensive about women being happy with their bodies, no matter what size they are? We don't need permission or approval from anyone in order to love ourselves.

Some of you may be thinking, "if women put pictures or videos on the internet, they open themselves up to the scrutiny and comments of others." Well, I have to disagree. Yes, there is always a risk when putting pictures or videos online, but women existing in a social media platform does not validate others insulting or shaming them, any more than a woman walking down the street warrants comments from cat-callers (street harassers).

In doing research for this blog, I was saddened by how many women have been exposed to shame, ridicule, and hate via social media for loving their bodies, or daring to be happy with their size that someone else deems unhealthy. Why can't we all be kind? We should love and accept everyone, and treat them with respect as a fellow human being. We are in charge of our own health and our own bodies, and no one else has the right to force their opinion or standard of health on us. I want to reiterate again that I believe in eating healthy and exercising.What I don't believe in is shame as a valid motivator.  For those readers out there who are trying to lose weight, I applaud you for striving to be healthier, and I hope that you can be motivated by a love for yourself and your body, not through shame and self-hatred.

A rejection of shame should start with yourself. Imagine how much more we could accomplish if we loved ourselves and others, and didn't let shame hold us back from doing what we want and sharing who we are with the world?

You Deserve to Live Life

The other day as I was walking, I noticed that the wind was blowing my hair back away from my face. My gut reaction was to grab the long dark strands and pull them to the front again, because, "what if my face looks round?" I stopped myself for a moment, and appreciated how great it felt to have my hair blowing back with the wind coursing through it.

I let the wind keep blowing my hair, and I remembered when I was little and we lived in an exceptionally windy town. On mornings where the wind was the strongest, I would go outside and jump high on the trampoline, and allow the wind to whip my hair in every which direction. Wind made me feel wild and alive.

How many years have I been subduing this because I'm worried my face will look fat when I'm not hiding behind my hair?

How often do we keep ourselves from doing something or enjoying something because we are worried about how we look, or how we will be perceived by others? Not swimming because we feel self conscious in a swimsuit, not hiking or running or going to the gym because we don't look "hot" when we exercise, not going a day or two without makeup because we fear to look frumpy, never letting people take our picture because it might be unflattering, not dancing because we feel we aren't good at it, or we are worried about what might jiggle while we do so . . . this is a very limited list, but the fact that so many things came to my mind immediately tells me that, for a lot of my life, I've been holding myself back from living my own life because of the fear of how I think I will be perceived by others.

For years, I didn't like to go hiking because of my confidence issues. 

We deserve so much better than this! We deserve to run, jump, dance, play, wear what we want, and basically live how we want, without constant stress about what we will look like. I ran across this blog from a woman who's son took her picture without her knowledge at the beach. It is a beautiful example of how much harder we are on ourselves than we need to be. Let's enjoy life! We are so much more than what we look like.

Last semester at school in Hawaii, I ditched my swim shorts I had always worn while swimming, for just a swimsuit bottom. Know what? I like to feel the sun on my thighs. If anyone has a problem with my legs, they don't have to look at me. I'm not there for them, anyway. We don't exist for the viewing pleasure of other people.

My challenge for you this week is to do something that you love to do but haven't done for awhile, regardless of what you think other people might think of you. Lap swimming at the local pool, going to a yoga class, jumping on the trampoline, cutting your hair short if you want to, going to the store without makeup . . .  there are tons of possibilities. If you take this challenge, post what you did in the comments! You are beautiful and vibrant, and should never let your fear of other people's perceptions of you keep you from living your life.

Love Yourself First

A few weeks ago, I read this blog post all about self-love and only caring about the opinions, specifically about our bodies, of those who matter. In the case of this blogger, it is her husband, who tells her every morning when she wakes up that she is "the prettiest wife in the world." It's really beautiful and you should all read it. I admire this woman's honesty in expressing her self-doubts, and revealing that sweet and sacred relationship she shares with her husband.

On the other hand, it hurt me to hear the way she was talking about herself. She mentions her stretch marks, her dark circles, her saggy breasts, and sums it up by calling herself "complete destruction." Maybe that's really how she feels, but that makes it all the more sad. I'm glad this woman has her husband to help her feel beautiful, but I wish somehow she could see the beauty in herself, too, not just by taking his word for it.

As I was reading this blog, my initial response was a sharp ache in my recently-dumped heart. So much of my life I sought validation of my beauty through guys, which never really came. Even when I did get compliments, I couldn't let myself believe them, because I didn't see it myself. I never ever believed that a man would think I was beautiful, especially compared to how I felt I "measured up" to other women.

All that changed with the last guy I was dating. He thought I was gorgeous, and told me that daily. I felt desired and adorable and I liked it. It was almost addicting to me--finally having this long-sought validation of my beauty from the male gender! I felt like I was on track for the type of husband who, in spite of my stretch-marks, would tell me I was the most beautiful wife in the world. Here's the thing, though. We broke up, and I'm single, again, and to use the Austen phrase, I currently have "no prospects" (at least in the dating arena). Does this mean I can no longer find beauty in my body, because there is no male to tell me I'm beautiful? Pardon my french, but hell no!

We all deserve to feel beautiful, regardless of what anyone says or doesn't say about it. We can love ourselves and be confident, no matter what stage we are in life. Even if we do have people tell us we are beautiful every day, we still need to tell ourselves that. You can do and be anything you want, and you have limitless joy, beauty, and confidence possible for you. Do not wait for someone to tell you you are beautiful, tell yourself that. And guess what? It's true.

Real is the Ideal

 I never feel more beautiful than when I'm lying in the sun at the beach, with sand between my toes, the salty breeze blowing my hair and skin, and the sun warming every part of me. I feel real, and I feel a connection to God that I don't feel in quite the same way anywhere else. 

I didn't always feel this way--in fact, I used to purposely go to the beach when I knew there wouldn't be many people around, because at the beach I was makeup-less, wearing a swimsuit that displayed parts of my body I hadn't yet accepted and couldn't imagine anyone else would, and my hair was always a mess from the saltwater and breezes. Not to mention the pressure to appear to have no body hair, stretch marks, or cellulite. Talk about adding stress to something that should be a relaxing experience!

Thankfully, I finally realized something. I am real. I'm a growing, changing, moving, alive human being, and I shouldn't strive to be a frozen image of perfection, like a cover of a magazine. There is no way to Photoshop ourselves in real life, and why would we want to? Why should we have to? It has gotten to the point where we are so used to seeing women's bodies in the media that are Photoshopped out of reality, that when we look at ourselves in the mirror, all we see is our flaws. 

This article on BeautyRedefined.net, one of my favorite inspiration beauty websites, is a great read to recognize that the faces and bodies we see in the media aren't exactly what they seem. Thankfully, the recognition of this is getting wider spread, and companies like Aerie are no longer Photoshopping their models. Now, we just need to internalize this principle for ourselves, so instead of seeing our flaws when we look in the mirror, we see just how beautiful real is. 

My favorite part of 500 Days of Summer. :)

Be authentic to you and what makes you happy. Do you like to wear makeup? Great! Go for it. Not so much? That's fine too. You don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations for what a woman should look like. You don't owe beauty to anyone else. You certainly shouldn't feel pressure to change, get plastic surgery, or do anything else in the name of "beauty" that you are uncomfortable with. Nothing could make you more beautiful or desirable than you already are as a real, breathing, living woman who is a daughter of God, created in His image. 

 

You are the ideal, not some fake, plastic reality Photoshopped on the cover of a magazine. Everything about you is beautiful because it's you. You are gorgeous, loved, amazing, and yes, flawed. And that's perfectly okay. 

Every Body is Beautiful.

Okay, here's the thing: Every single body is beautiful. It makes me so sad to see fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, "what's your excuse," "thinspiration," "fitspiration," "real women have curves," and anything else that promotes body competition, or essentially says that one body type is better than another. Why do we listen to "rules" about beauty created by people hoping to sell us products once we are convinced we aren't good enough on our own? And why do we sometimes think that if we just had enough or were thin enough or beautiful enough, we would somehow be happy or more worthy of love? You can be happy now. You are worthy of love now. That's right. NOW. No matter your size, no matter your weight, no matter your height, no matter your skin color, no matter your cellulite, imperfections, or any of the superficial things we tell ourselves make us less than those around us.

I have friends who fall within nearly every spectrum of weight, height, shape, and color. Guess what? They are all beautiful. The very things we dislike, or think make us "different," are very often what makes us uniquely beautiful. And completely aside from our outer appearance, it truly is our inner beauty that makes us radiate. No matter what stage of health you are in, you deserve to feel beautiful and treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and love. I firmly believe that we take care of what we love! Give yourself permission to love your body. It is amazing how freeing it is.

And why does it have to be some kind of competition? It makes me so sad to see women pitted against each other, judging each other for superficial reasons, competing for attention from guys, and worst of all, bringing others down to try to feel better about themselves. My goal is to love myself every day, and to help anyone else I can love themselves too, and recognize the worth that they have. The women you encounter every day are sisters. They are daughters of God, and all struggling with personal trials, fears, weaknesses, and doubts. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if we were kinder, more open, more helpful, and less competitive? There isn't just one right way to be beautiful. Appreciate the beauty in yourself and those around you.